When I need time for me, solitude, peace and harmony,
I sit and stare..

‘Sit and Stare ‘

‘I sit and stare,
Into the trees,
And the sky above.

I follow the rhythms,
Of the bird’s lullaby’s,
Sat on the branches,
Singing to the skies.

Their beautiful tunes,
Release in me,
A poetic flow,
A creativity.

I follow the birds,
As they soar in the sky,
They glide through the clouds,
Becoming one with the wind.

Their poetic motion,
Flows like a stream,
Watching them silently,
Releases an impenetrable serene.

Deep in my core,
Sparks creativity,
The birds,
Their songs,
And Mother-Nature,
Inspire so much imagination in me.’

‘A message to my babies’

‘How do I say goodbye,
I can’t,
I never even had the chance.

How do I move on,
I can’t,
I don’t even want to think of that.

How do I make peace with it,
Not knowing how you are each day,
I can’t.

I wonder every day,
Each time I see a child,
Each time I watch them play,
Each time I want a hug,
Each time I want to say,
I love you,
I miss you,
Each and every day.

There’s not one minute that goes by,
When you’re not here in my thoughts.

Your always in my heart,
This is why I won’t let go,
I won’t let this part of me subside,
Because you are a part of me,
My heart and soul,
You are to me,
We may not share the same bloodline,
But to me,

You are mine,
And I am yours,
Until the end of time I will be yours.

When you need me,
No matter how many days it’s been,
How many weeks,
Or months,
Or years long it’s been,
I’ll be here waiting,
My babies,
You will always be.

No matter how mature you are,
How much you think you know,
You will never know the love for you,
That is here forever in my heart.

The pain that fills my heart and soul,
The ache which penetrates,
Deep within my core.

Without knowing how you are,
Where you are,
With whom you are?
To hear you laugh,
To hold you when you need to cry,
To simply be there by your side,
How can I even begin to feel whole inside?

How could I possibly begin,
To describe the pain,
Of loving two things so unbelievably precious,
Only for them to be taken away,
No contact,
No communication,
No knowledge of how they are?

No words would give this pain it’s justice,
No torture would stand to match,

I know I’m in no way perfect,
I know I’ve made mistakes,
For this I’m so very truly sorry,
But I hope one day you realise this,
We are all just human beings,
We learn from our mistakes,
That’s not said to excuse them,
It just helps us,
Not to repeat those same mistakes.

No parent anywhere is perfect,
Me included,
But the love of a mother,
Through blood or not,
Is the strongest love that ever was,
There is no end,
Until my very last breath,
You will be my unconditional loves,
Whether you’re aware or not.’

Do what you Love and Love what you Do..that’s my new plan!

After working in an SEND (Special Educational Needs & Disabilities) School as Teaching Assistant, coupled with my own experiences and having a huge shift in my mindset over the last week and a half from a workshop ‘the Creatrix’ by Ali Mapletoft (incredible woman and incredible team!).
I’ve found myself discovering a clarity of my ultimate vision. I’ve come to a very strong realisation, which my friends and family have been telling me for years! That my body has been screaming at me for years and years to change, what I’m doing, how I’m living and essentially who I am. By this I don’t mean I need to change who I am, I mean I need to allow myself to be my true and honest version of me, not the version of me I think I need to be, or I think society wants me to be, or I think my family wants me to be. Because when you try to be something that isn’t truly you, you leave that real self locked up in a cage desperate, alone, questioning why, why am I not good enough to be let out? Why am I not strong enough to break out? So many questions and longings and all of those thoughts are in your mind but you don’t know why..you don’t even realise your caged up Inside..
So I’ve learnt a lot over the past few years and this week has given me that little push I needed to just clarify and identify real goals and visions. What my heart and soul is asking me for. For the first time In my life..I’ve listened.
I know exactly what I want to achieve and how I’m going to do it.
I NEED to be creative, it keeps be balanced, healthy, happy, energised, calm, it’s my voice and Its my way of expressing all that I need to, as well as being my escape when I need one.
This workshop with Ali helped me to realise that it’s ok to be me..it’s realistic to gain an income from your creativity and it’s invaluable to share your thoughts and knowledge with others and to encourage and support each other. Ali made us ask ourselves questions like..what makes you most happy?…what is your proudest moment? And what do you enjoy doing the most?..these are the questions I now know my answers to..these are the things I will do with my life. These are the ways I will form income streams, and it’s ok to have multiple streams.
I’m an Artist, I will create because when I’m immersed in creating I’m in my happy place, my calm, my alternate reality of bliss.
I will share my experiences and knowledge..my proudest moment is the absolutely incredible success of an Art Intervention Case Study I developed for a child In a school I worked at. We didn’t anticipate the level of success and progress the child actually made, It was an incredible transformation and the development was seen across, social and educational milestones in an array of areas within the school curriculum. The transference from the Art Intervention Activities into things like, fine motor skills, mark-making, participating in group activities, self esteem and confidence, better decision making, Improve behaviour, positive new behaviour eg. Tiding away art materials at the end of the activity without instruction, pride..the development was so broad and just incredible for the child’s future progress and successes. This was my absolute proudest moment of my life, that I had made a difference to that one child’s life, future and happiness.
I Intend to Introduce others to the Idea of art as a form of therapeutic expression and escape, as I have found It Invaluable during my darkest days. Particularly as a person who Is not at all comfortable with expressing my feelings and emotions verbally. I plan to hold workshops with exhibitions of works at the end for children and young adults who attend youth clubs and holiday clubs, and possibly schools too, so that they have exposure to this form of therapeutic expression and If they resonate with It they will have the knowledge to utilise this form of therapeutic tool for the rest of their lives, hopefully helping them through their dark days too.
This is the work I need to do to fed my soul. This is the path that will help heal me. Create and share that’s what I absolutely need to do.
The other question was what do I enjoy, I absolutely love animals and nature and they really inspire my creativity, which is probably why they are the subject of most of my work! So in terms of self care, which I now know I need to pay a lot more attention to! I will rest when I need to rest, but I will also do the things that inspire me and that I love. Like having a walk through nature listening to the birds, going to zoos and farms and even just sitting in the garden and watching and listening to the birds come and go there, visiting Galleries and Museums.
Do what you love and love what you do..that’s my new plan!